Aboard the S.O.S. Starbug
by keroppi-chan
Summary: What if GW characters were suddenly trapped in a low-budget Brit-com??? Anybody heard of Red Dwarf?
1. Default Chapter

Title: "Aboard the SOS Starbug"  
  
Author: keroppi-chan  
  
Date: 2-10-02  
  
Catergory:AU, humor  
  
Rating: PG-13   
  
Warnings: *On giant bronze Gorilla Statues in the San Diego Zoo, sitting, gleaming in the hot Californian sun* Caution: Statues may be hot. (and we wonder why foreigners think us stupid)  
yaoi implications. face it, theres nowhere i'm posting this where people would really have that much of a problem with this, but as a moral obligation, if you do have a problem with this, please don't read it.  
Very very silly. sorry, couldn't control myself.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing *sob* but i can just borrow them for a bit, ne? *holds up voodoo dolls and cackles evilly* If you want to sue me, *reaches into pockets and pulls out something and hold out to you* You may have lint. -_-;;; same goes for Red Dwarf. tho I WILL own Rimmer. I swear to God I will.  
  
Feedback: PLEASE?!?!?!  
  
Red Dwarf Plot Summary, for those of you who haven't seen it: A British Comedy sci-fi, in which A Man, a cat who had become a person, a hologram, a robot, and a computer all in a spaceship that is horribly outdated, trying to figure out what the smeg they're supposed to be doing.  
  
~Aboard the S.O.S. Starbug~ (Part 1: [i]In which Zechs wears leather[/i])  
  
When Trowa's face appeared on the monitor, Heero was trying to explain to Duo why humans don't rub up against each other's legs. It wasn't working very well. And Duo's bright pink suit was shedding it's sequins again.  
  
"Duo! UGH! Duo, go away!"  
  
The cat-man looked hurt. "You don't want me here?" then angry. "Do you know how LONG it takes to get my hair like this?!"  
  
Heero sighed "Duo you can stay if you sit right there. And your hair looks fine."  
  
"Fine?! FINE?! Oh, I did NOT just go through all of that for a FINE."  
  
Then Trowa's face appeared, like an angel, saving Heero from this trauma with his ever-angelic grace. Except he was a computer.  
  
"Have I come at a bad time?" The ever- polite computer asked.  
  
"NO!" Heero yelped. "No, what is it?"  
  
"Our engines are failing. Again. And we're falling into the atmosphere of an unknown planet. Again."  
  
"Mister Heero, sir, I believe I can fix the problem. I require an irambian discombobulator, and your assistance with the computers of the ship." The robot, Quatre, once again looked worried, but confident that he might help.  
  
A face appeared through the wall. "And where are we supposed to find one of those? The discombobulator, OR Heero's help? It's a completely inefficient waste of time hauling this piece of crap of a ship through space." The hologram tried to go through the wall, but, powerful as the light beams from that bead were, the bead itself couldn't make it through the wall. Wufei struggled for about five minutes, then slid over two paces, entering through the doorway.  
  
He glared at Duo, who was busy trying to perch himself on Heero's chair. (awfully difficult to do, what with the suit threatening to wrinkle)  
  
"Bad Kitty! BAD!" Once again Duo looked dissapointed, then sat on the chair next to Heero. Wufei took the seat on the other side of Heero.  
  
"As I was saying-" Trowa began, but he was interrupted by a loud thump and a lurch forwards.  
  
~DUN DUN DUNNNN!~  
  
"What the smeg was that?!"  
  
"Well, from the looks of it, sir" Quatre stuttered, obviously nervous. "It seems we've landed on the planet of lost soap opera stars."  
  
~DUN DUN DUNNNN!~  
  
"Will you stop that?!" Heero shouted at the unknown phantom symphony.  
  
"I suggest we converse with the soap opera stars and see if they can offer an irambian discombobulator."  
  
"I agree." said Quatre, lending his support to the hesitant computer. "Perhaps we can find a mad scientist of some sort."  
  
They opened the hatch, and neon blinking lights filtered in through the misty fog that set about them. They began walking through the misty forest-like area they'd landed in.  
  
"I hear whispers" Wufei warned.  
  
"Do you mean those voices plotting our demise? I thought them unimportant."  
  
"WHAT?! Quatre, do me a favor. Next time we're faced with eminent death, WARN ME FIRST."  
  
"Well, sir, they're planning to kill us by pushing us off of the tops of buildings. And my readings tell me they live underground."  
  
"And we're supposed to find a computer part from these idiots?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Welcome" came a voice from the darkness. A man walked out.  
  
"The smeg? Who in the hell are you?" Then they all got a good look at the man.  
  
He ran his fingers through his long, platinum blonde hair. The boys twitched in unison, and simultaneously wondered what they'd gotten themselves into.  
  
The deep, sensuous voice spoke again. "My name is Zechs. Zechs Marquise."  
  
What he was wearing didn't help the boys either. His neck and wrists were bound by leather, a chain leash hanging from the neck, two smaller chains attaching in the back, linking the arms together loosely enough to provide for movement. Thin leather straps ran crisscrossed around his chest. Tiny chains ran intermittently between them. His tight leather pants were laced up from the sides, leaving very little to the imagination. Chains ran down and around his legs, to his calves and -the boys sucked in their breath- inbetween his thighs. His boots came to about mid-calf, silver buckles placed randomly on them.(1)  
  
"Oh...smeg..."  
  
Duo narrowed his eyes after a minute of close study. "I don't see whats so special about him."  
  
"I must take you back to the manor. It's ~DUN DUN DUN~ not safe here."  
  
He walked over to the trees, and a door shimmered into view. He entered, gesturing to the boys to follow him into the elevator. Duo immediately began pushing all the buttons.   
  
57 stops and 62 more passengers later, Zechs strode out of the elevator, the boys squeezing through the crowds to get through behind him. When Wufei stepped out of the elevator, the cables snapped and the 62 people plunged into the fiery pits beneath them.  
  
"Happens at least once a day." Zechs seemed unimpressed.  
  
The boys were seated in the parlor room, a large pink room with plastic animal chairs and randomly placed cotton candy. Zechs, seated in the koala bear, explained the planet's current condition to them. "We are in the midst of battle between good and evil."  
  
"And you are... which?" Wufei asked.  
  
"Silly hologram. It was I who found you first, and you're innocent to anything in this situation. Therefore I must be good. Haven't you ever seen any soap operas?"  
  
"No" they all said in unison.  
  
"Oh. Well. You should. We've got some interesting subplots going on right now, what with the insanity, and the adultry, and the 5 people we've got in the hospital-"  
  
"So" Heero interrupted, "When is your next attack planned?"  
  
Zechs sighed, picking up a thin book, "Planning for the Days of Our Lives- Scheduling for the Week of June 2-8"   
  
"We have a water balloon fight scheduled for tomorrow at 2 PM eastern."  
  
Before Heero got a chance to make a snide remark at their chosen method of fighting, a screech resounded throughout the entire house, so horrible that it conjured images of beasts and monsters.  
  
"MY LOVE!" A scary looking girl in a frilly pink dress ran to Heero, leaping into his arms. Unfortunately, his arms were not in position to catch this screaming psychopath, nor did he move them to be. She fell to the floor. And then recieved a well deserved scratch from the former cat.  
  
"Please excuse my sister." The girl was attempting to glare at Duo. While clutching her arm. And inching towards Heero. Who was backed up against a wall. And panicking. Duo narrowed his eyes. Wufei narrowed his eyes. Zechs narrowed his eyes, and said "Relena, why don't you show our guests to their rooms."  
  
"Really, sir, that's quite uneccessary. We just came to-"  
  
Quatre was rudely interrupted. Again. "Right this way!"  
  
The room they were led into looked slightly like a prison cell. Which scared the bejesus out of the boys. There were two rooms, designed to look like prison cells, complete with cots on the sides and barred windows with a lovely view of... a steel wall. Relena placed Heero and Wufei in the first cell and Duo and Quatre in the other. "Now, get dressed. I'll be back to escort you to dinner."  
  
Duo leaned forward, nearly drooling at the mention of one of his favorite times of the day. "What's for dinner?"  
  
Relena narrowed her eyes at him. "That's for me to know and for you to find out" She apparently was lapsing into the behavior of a child.(2)  
  
And with that, she was gone, leaving four very confused crew members, who were slowly realizing that they were locked in prison cells.  
  
1. Yes, I know I went overboard. You know you like it.  
2. Okay, go right ahead and tell me I'm NOT making a clear reference to GW right there. 


	2. In Which Duo is scared by a monkey

Title: "Aboard the SOS Starbug"  
  
Author: keroppi-chan  
  
Date: 2-10-02  
  
Catergory:AU, humor  
  
Rating: PG-13   
  
Warnings: *On giant bronze Gorilla Statues in the San Diego Zoo, sitting, gleaming in the hot Californian sun* Caution: Statues may be hot. (and we wonder why foreigners think us stupid)  
yaoi implications. face it, theres nowhere i'm posting this where people would really have that much of a problem with this, but as a moral obligation, if you do have a problem with this, please don't read it.  
Very very silly. sorry, couldn't control myself.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing *sob* but i can just borrow them for a bit, ne? *holds up voodoo dolls and cackles evilly* If you want to sue me, *reaches into pockets and pulls out something and hold out to you* You may have lint. -_-;;; same goes for Red Dwarf. tho I WILL own Rimmer. I swear to God I will.  
  
Feedback: PLEASE?!?!?!  
  
Red Dwarf Plot Summary, for those of you who haven't seen it: A British Comedy sci-fi, in which A Man, a cat who had become a person, a hologram, a robot, and a computer all in a spaceship that is horribly outdated, trying to figure out what the smeg they're supposed to be doing.  
  
  
~Aboard the S.O.S. Starbug~ (Part 2)  
  
[i] In which the author has a sudden craving for strawberries... more on that later (you know you've been reading too much winnie the pooh when... stupid babysitting! ^_^)[/i]  
  
Relena walked back into the room, to summon the boys for dinner. "OK, you can come out now."  
  
"Well... don't you have to... let us out?"   
  
Relena glared at the long haired kitty... man... thing. "The doors are unlocked."  
  
All four of the crew of the Starbug did a face vault at this. "WHAT?!"  
  
Relena snickered. "You mean you didn't find out?"  
  
"Omae O Korosu."   
  
She was on his arm in an instant. "Heero, what does that mean?" More giggles. "Are you trying to tell me you love me?"  
  
"Get off him, onna!"  
  
"Ma'am, if it's not too much trouble, my fellow crew members require nourishment." Saved by the robot.  
  
"Right. This way." She motioned them to follow her into the hallway, where they were led up a fireman's pole, through a ball pit, and through a life-sized model of a brothel, complete with mannequins.  
  
Quatre seemed confused by the idea of dolls that didn't have the ability to move "What purpose do they serve?", while Wufei remarked "This is the most insane place I have EVER been."  
  
Heero was attempting to push stay as far away as possible from Relena.  
  
Duo was having the time of his life.  
  
"Whhheeeeeeeeee!" Apparently he had some kind of an affinity for ball pits. And lamp posts. And... trees... "HELP!!!"  
  
"Smeg. Duo get down here now!"  
  
"I CAN'T!"  
  
"Sir, I believe I can assist Duo in getting down, sir..."   
  
"Have at it, Quatre."  
  
"Mister Duo, sir! What is that behind you? It looks like a monkey with a pair of shears! Why, it IS a monkey with a pair of shears!"  
  
*thud* Duo looked up. "THERE'S NO MONKEY!"  
  
"Really? I must have made a mistake then." Directed at Relena- "Shall we be going, then?"  
  
  
  
-----ok who wants me to finish this??? hmmm??----- 


End file.
